Family Values

Family is something that is very important to me. That trait was instilled in me at a young age by my parents and my surrounding immediate family. When we are in our teenage years it is easy to think that you know everything and that your friends and how popular you are is what matters at that point. When I was a teenager I was always very social and did everything I could squeeze into my schedule. At times I would want to go get into some kind of trouble with my friends and I couldn’t because I had a family function or family was coming over or something of that nature. The first time I argued about having to stay home with the family instead of going out with my friends was also the last time. My mother and father explained to me that there are certain things in life that take precedent over most other things and one of those is your family. I got in a few stubborn words and could see how serious my parents were. After that, every time it came up I simply said I understand, and did what they said. At a young age for my parents to be so stern about something and to be so sincere about it I knew that this was something that was important to them and that one day I would realize the bigger picture.

Different families interact differently and have different views on what a family means to them. Even at an event like thanksgiving the different sides of the family have their own communication style and relationship characteristics. Our thanksgiving is probably the most hectic holiday of them all for my family. When I was growing up we would have around 60 people at our thanksgiving dinner which made for a serious cooking session. These days we have about 40 people every year and it hasn’t gotten any less hectic. I love the way we do thanksgiving because all of the immediate family go over the day before and spend hours and hours doing prep work for all the food that is going to be cooked the next day which this year included two 24 pound turkeys. It is just a great family feeling for everyone to go over and work together in an informal setting. The day of thanksgiving I kept this assignment in mind and notice just about everything we have talked about in class in all the different people, couples, and families. My family has most of the marital types that Cuber and Harroff talk about. And it was strange to notice that most of what I was seeing between couples was that it seemed like most were married for practical reasons. That may sound negative but I didn’t really look at it that way. In my opinion most marriages do not start out as that kind of marriage but rather evolve into that type of practical relationship that I am seeing now. And everyone one of them genuinely looked happy. Of course I saw the “vital marriage” and the “total marriage” in their as well but most of what I saw was more of a “conflict-habituated marriage” which sounds awful so ill just call it a “practical Marriage” because I don’t see it as a negative thing. If it works, then it works.

A very good friend of mine has a totally different family style and outlook on family than I do. I am very close to his family as well and I notice that their just never seemed to be any emphasis on family in his life. When I started thinking about that I was asking myself why not? And how could anyone be so distant with their own immediate family? My theory is that it all stems from the parents who are very nice people but also very serious and to me it looks like they have a lifeless marriage. The fact that their marriage may be lifeless has had a great effect on my friends’ views of family. He doesn’t feel any need to see his family as often as he can. Actually he sees them just about as sparingly as he can. And every time he has to go to something with his family all he does is complain about it. His relationship with his family boggles my mind but I am no one to judge them because whatever they have seems to function for them as a small unit. They are all very successful and lead good healthy lives but the family values are just missing from their priority list. That is an example of how two families that are so close can be so different in their views on the importance and uniqueness of family.

Something else that I noticed in my family is that all of the men try to be very dominant. They try to be dominant in the way the talk to each other and woman and they all seem to never let there guard down. The women in my family are all insanely close and really won’t take any crap from the men unless they have their own hidden agenda for doing so. It is funny to watch everyone while thinking about different relationship styles because you really see the theories come to life and it all starts to make sense. Marriage and family will always be a big part of my life because that is how I grew up and that is how my children will grow up. My dad used to tell me, “girls and friends will come and go but your family will always be there for you. You return the favor”

Men and Women: Apples and Oranges

Men and women are very different beings. When I think about the communication differences in men and women it makes me question how we get along at all. Men like to be dominant and take charge of the situation so that it is under control. Men do things rather than talk about them and they tend to disguise their emotions on a regular basis. Women are emotional and very descriptive. They will be more likely to talk about something rather then do it and wear their emotions on their sleeve at times.

The vast differences between our two genders make an unusual challenge to coexist in a workplace. In an environment where competition is inevitable and stereotypes are looked to be broken men and women have had to communicate in different ways to seek the best of a situation. One little thing that I notice in everyday communication between men and women is the length of description that women use when compared mans “to the point” approach. Men are likely to tell a story or recall an event in as short a time as it takes to get all the main facts out. Women however seem to do the opposite and describe every little detail that they can and being expressive in their behavior. This is a minor communication difference between the two genders but it illustrates how much of a difference there is between us.

Some of the questions on the quiz we did in class had more decisive answers than others. The first, that men talk more than women is a falsity and goes back to me using actions to talk and women uses expression and words. Also the difference in proximity between the sexes is huge. Men use far more personal space then women and are more likely to touch when trying to establish connection or dominance, whereas women will be more eager to close the gap and engage in contact even when simply exchanging greetings.

The present time is a time of equality and fairness. I think that women and men are “equal but different”. By different there is the obvious physical differences but what is more different is the psychological aspects between the two. Women and men deserve equal opportunity in the workplace and laws but we have to be careful when trying to make everyone the same. Difference is good and can create progress if used effectively. Men and women are just built differently and are both stronger in different areas. These different areas come to the forefront in communication

In a conflict resolution situation women have the upper hand in the way they express themselves and are better more interactive listeners. Men however are more likely to be confrontational and get involved in a conflict then women. Most women are not confrontational by nature. I think of the differences between my parents and how I would talk to them for separate things because each one has their way of communicating. My father is a fast answer straight to the point kind of communicator who is a strong and firm in what he wants or believes. My mom is a retired speech pathologists and over communicates on occasion. She is always willing to talk and listen for as long as you want. She always wants to know why? And how you’re feeling, which is extremely nice to have when you really need it.

I also think about the everyday communication with my girlfriend and I honestly do not think it would work if both parties didn’t have some understanding of the gender differences we face in communication. We both leave in the morning and when we see each other at the end of the day we talk for a while and we know how effectively communicate with each other. For example she knows that I need a couple of minutes when I get home from work to cool off before I can effectively listen to anyone or anything. Whereas I know that once she starts describing her day I am in for the long hall and listen to the end. These little things that you must come to realize really do matter. Women need to be listened to effectively and men need there personal space and time. Differences are good and its gender differences in communication that keep us on our toes as effective communicators.

Cleaning House

Cleaning house and moving on can be applied to just about anything in life. I have done this more than once in my twenty three years of life. Cleaning house does not have to be looked at in a negative light. Some people think of it as something you are forced to do that is both painful and negative. I would not be where I am to day if I had never made the choice to clean house and make changes and alterations in my life. You could say that from the day I was born I started by cleaning house. Being adopted, I did not make the choice my parents did but in a way we all knew that I needed to clean house and start a better life.

Many of the times in my life where I would consider that my family and I cleaned house were not necessarily my decision. I had something to do with it but my parents were ultimately the decision makers. The first time we made a significant change my parents moved us from South Brunswick to Princeton to start my father’s dental practice. Then it was my parents taking me out of public school and throwing me into private school. That was hard for me at the time but probably the best thing that they ever did for me.

Those examples are not really ME cleaning house they are more my parents doing so and me following. However I am no stranger to change because of this. Three things happened when I went to college that led to me coming back to New Jersey and leaving behind the life that I made for myself in another state. I went to up state New York for college and had an “academic scholarship” that the school gave me as long as I played baseball. I went up there and played ball for a year, joined a fraternity, and had a blast until reality started to set in. My grades started to slip the second year so I quit baseball to focus on my work. It was a small school so I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I couldn’t stay focused and was more concerned with what sorority we were partying with that night than any other work I might have had due. So I wasn’t doing as well as my parents wanted so they told me that they were going to stop paying fro school and that I should apply for independence from them so that I could get student loans. I tried to do that and it was a very long process that would have left me out of school for a few years. So I decided I would finish the semester I was in and then continue working up there and slowly pay for my tuition. During the rest of that semester was when I started to really realize that I needed a change.

That semester brought the first thing that really made me think about what I was doing. I met a girl there who was about to graduate and that would change my whole lifestyle. Next, my fraternity went unofficial because we got in trouble with the school and it was more like a gang then anything structured. I saw everything going down hill with my frat and my school work and started to realize that part of it was because I surrounded myself with downers and vultures that in no way benefited me. I made some great relationships in that fraternity but I knew I had to get out of there and figure out what I really wanted to do. Just as the semester was coming to an end we I got word that one of my best friends up there had been killed while working in Greece for Aramark Food Company. He got a hit by a car going 120 miles per hour and when I heard about it, it felt like that speeding car had hit me. That was it for me, I tried to stay up there and control everything but I couldn’t. I just had to get out of that situation and clean house.

So I did, I broke the relationship with my fraternity, with upstate New York, with the name I made for myself up there, and with about 90 percent of the people I had met up there. I came home and proposed a plan to my father to continue school under tight circumstances. He agreed and I moved out the same year I came home to live with my girlfriend that I had met up at school and for the past two years I have been doing well in school, I am happy with what my plans for life are, and I have support from all angles to do what I need to do. That chapter in my life really was something that I had to move on from. I don’t regret anything I did up there and I saw and learned a lot but I had to move on and I knew it.