Family Values

Family is something that is very important to me. That trait was instilled in me at a young age by my parents and my surrounding immediate family. When we are in our teenage years it is easy to think that you know everything and that your friends and how popular you are is what matters at that point. When I was a teenager I was always very social and did everything I could squeeze into my schedule. At times I would want to go get into some kind of trouble with my friends and I couldn’t because I had a family function or family was coming over or something of that nature. The first time I argued about having to stay home with the family instead of going out with my friends was also the last time. My mother and father explained to me that there are certain things in life that take precedent over most other things and one of those is your family. I got in a few stubborn words and could see how serious my parents were. After that, every time it came up I simply said I understand, and did what they said. At a young age for my parents to be so stern about something and to be so sincere about it I knew that this was something that was important to them and that one day I would realize the bigger picture.

Different families interact differently and have different views on what a family means to them. Even at an event like thanksgiving the different sides of the family have their own communication style and relationship characteristics. Our thanksgiving is probably the most hectic holiday of them all for my family. When I was growing up we would have around 60 people at our thanksgiving dinner which made for a serious cooking session. These days we have about 40 people every year and it hasn’t gotten any less hectic. I love the way we do thanksgiving because all of the immediate family go over the day before and spend hours and hours doing prep work for all the food that is going to be cooked the next day which this year included two 24 pound turkeys. It is just a great family feeling for everyone to go over and work together in an informal setting. The day of thanksgiving I kept this assignment in mind and notice just about everything we have talked about in class in all the different people, couples, and families. My family has most of the marital types that Cuber and Harroff talk about. And it was strange to notice that most of what I was seeing between couples was that it seemed like most were married for practical reasons. That may sound negative but I didn’t really look at it that way. In my opinion most marriages do not start out as that kind of marriage but rather evolve into that type of practical relationship that I am seeing now. And everyone one of them genuinely looked happy. Of course I saw the “vital marriage” and the “total marriage” in their as well but most of what I saw was more of a “conflict-habituated marriage” which sounds awful so ill just call it a “practical Marriage” because I don’t see it as a negative thing. If it works, then it works.

A very good friend of mine has a totally different family style and outlook on family than I do. I am very close to his family as well and I notice that their just never seemed to be any emphasis on family in his life. When I started thinking about that I was asking myself why not? And how could anyone be so distant with their own immediate family? My theory is that it all stems from the parents who are very nice people but also very serious and to me it looks like they have a lifeless marriage. The fact that their marriage may be lifeless has had a great effect on my friends’ views of family. He doesn’t feel any need to see his family as often as he can. Actually he sees them just about as sparingly as he can. And every time he has to go to something with his family all he does is complain about it. His relationship with his family boggles my mind but I am no one to judge them because whatever they have seems to function for them as a small unit. They are all very successful and lead good healthy lives but the family values are just missing from their priority list. That is an example of how two families that are so close can be so different in their views on the importance and uniqueness of family.

Something else that I noticed in my family is that all of the men try to be very dominant. They try to be dominant in the way the talk to each other and woman and they all seem to never let there guard down. The women in my family are all insanely close and really won’t take any crap from the men unless they have their own hidden agenda for doing so. It is funny to watch everyone while thinking about different relationship styles because you really see the theories come to life and it all starts to make sense. Marriage and family will always be a big part of my life because that is how I grew up and that is how my children will grow up. My dad used to tell me, “girls and friends will come and go but your family will always be there for you. You return the favor”

Men and Women: Apples and Oranges

Men and women are very different beings. When I think about the communication differences in men and women it makes me question how we get along at all. Men like to be dominant and take charge of the situation so that it is under control. Men do things rather than talk about them and they tend to disguise their emotions on a regular basis. Women are emotional and very descriptive. They will be more likely to talk about something rather then do it and wear their emotions on their sleeve at times.

The vast differences between our two genders make an unusual challenge to coexist in a workplace. In an environment where competition is inevitable and stereotypes are looked to be broken men and women have had to communicate in different ways to seek the best of a situation. One little thing that I notice in everyday communication between men and women is the length of description that women use when compared mans “to the point” approach. Men are likely to tell a story or recall an event in as short a time as it takes to get all the main facts out. Women however seem to do the opposite and describe every little detail that they can and being expressive in their behavior. This is a minor communication difference between the two genders but it illustrates how much of a difference there is between us.

Some of the questions on the quiz we did in class had more decisive answers than others. The first, that men talk more than women is a falsity and goes back to me using actions to talk and women uses expression and words. Also the difference in proximity between the sexes is huge. Men use far more personal space then women and are more likely to touch when trying to establish connection or dominance, whereas women will be more eager to close the gap and engage in contact even when simply exchanging greetings.

The present time is a time of equality and fairness. I think that women and men are “equal but different”. By different there is the obvious physical differences but what is more different is the psychological aspects between the two. Women and men deserve equal opportunity in the workplace and laws but we have to be careful when trying to make everyone the same. Difference is good and can create progress if used effectively. Men and women are just built differently and are both stronger in different areas. These different areas come to the forefront in communication

In a conflict resolution situation women have the upper hand in the way they express themselves and are better more interactive listeners. Men however are more likely to be confrontational and get involved in a conflict then women. Most women are not confrontational by nature. I think of the differences between my parents and how I would talk to them for separate things because each one has their way of communicating. My father is a fast answer straight to the point kind of communicator who is a strong and firm in what he wants or believes. My mom is a retired speech pathologists and over communicates on occasion. She is always willing to talk and listen for as long as you want. She always wants to know why? And how you’re feeling, which is extremely nice to have when you really need it.

I also think about the everyday communication with my girlfriend and I honestly do not think it would work if both parties didn’t have some understanding of the gender differences we face in communication. We both leave in the morning and when we see each other at the end of the day we talk for a while and we know how effectively communicate with each other. For example she knows that I need a couple of minutes when I get home from work to cool off before I can effectively listen to anyone or anything. Whereas I know that once she starts describing her day I am in for the long hall and listen to the end. These little things that you must come to realize really do matter. Women need to be listened to effectively and men need there personal space and time. Differences are good and its gender differences in communication that keep us on our toes as effective communicators.

Cleaning House

Cleaning house and moving on can be applied to just about anything in life. I have done this more than once in my twenty three years of life. Cleaning house does not have to be looked at in a negative light. Some people think of it as something you are forced to do that is both painful and negative. I would not be where I am to day if I had never made the choice to clean house and make changes and alterations in my life. You could say that from the day I was born I started by cleaning house. Being adopted, I did not make the choice my parents did but in a way we all knew that I needed to clean house and start a better life.

Many of the times in my life where I would consider that my family and I cleaned house were not necessarily my decision. I had something to do with it but my parents were ultimately the decision makers. The first time we made a significant change my parents moved us from South Brunswick to Princeton to start my father’s dental practice. Then it was my parents taking me out of public school and throwing me into private school. That was hard for me at the time but probably the best thing that they ever did for me.

Those examples are not really ME cleaning house they are more my parents doing so and me following. However I am no stranger to change because of this. Three things happened when I went to college that led to me coming back to New Jersey and leaving behind the life that I made for myself in another state. I went to up state New York for college and had an “academic scholarship” that the school gave me as long as I played baseball. I went up there and played ball for a year, joined a fraternity, and had a blast until reality started to set in. My grades started to slip the second year so I quit baseball to focus on my work. It was a small school so I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I couldn’t stay focused and was more concerned with what sorority we were partying with that night than any other work I might have had due. So I wasn’t doing as well as my parents wanted so they told me that they were going to stop paying fro school and that I should apply for independence from them so that I could get student loans. I tried to do that and it was a very long process that would have left me out of school for a few years. So I decided I would finish the semester I was in and then continue working up there and slowly pay for my tuition. During the rest of that semester was when I started to really realize that I needed a change.

That semester brought the first thing that really made me think about what I was doing. I met a girl there who was about to graduate and that would change my whole lifestyle. Next, my fraternity went unofficial because we got in trouble with the school and it was more like a gang then anything structured. I saw everything going down hill with my frat and my school work and started to realize that part of it was because I surrounded myself with downers and vultures that in no way benefited me. I made some great relationships in that fraternity but I knew I had to get out of there and figure out what I really wanted to do. Just as the semester was coming to an end we I got word that one of my best friends up there had been killed while working in Greece for Aramark Food Company. He got a hit by a car going 120 miles per hour and when I heard about it, it felt like that speeding car had hit me. That was it for me, I tried to stay up there and control everything but I couldn’t. I just had to get out of that situation and clean house.

So I did, I broke the relationship with my fraternity, with upstate New York, with the name I made for myself up there, and with about 90 percent of the people I had met up there. I came home and proposed a plan to my father to continue school under tight circumstances. He agreed and I moved out the same year I came home to live with my girlfriend that I had met up at school and for the past two years I have been doing well in school, I am happy with what my plans for life are, and I have support from all angles to do what I need to do. That chapter in my life really was something that I had to move on from. I don’t regret anything I did up there and I saw and learned a lot but I had to move on and I knew it.

EMOTIONLESS

For me emotions are a hard thing to think about let alone write about, I’ve always played the role of the strong unshakeable one who keeps it together emotionally in almost all situations. That is just how I handled an experience that overwhelmed me with emotion one time and it worked so that is what I have done ever since. It is not always a good thing to do this. For the people around you are the strong supportive one at the time, but your emotions are most likely going to find there way out sometime. Throughout my life I have been through what feels like a ton of ups and downs. Starting from my adoption at a young age and running right up to this day my life has always been full of responsibility and emotion. When I was younger my brother struggled with severe depression and when things got really bad that is when I assumed my role as the rock. My parents would get overwhelmed and caught up in all the emotions of what was going on mixed in with some feeling of guilt, when they would think that it was their fault and I would stay strong and try to get things done and help my parents take their mind off of it. When I was thirteen my brother got admitted into a hospital where he would stay for 2 weeks and at the moment that happened I took on a whole knew role of steady one in the household. But what was I supposed to do with the emotions that I thought I was making disappear? Different people handle their feelings differently and at this point in my life the outlet for me was anger. I would box at school and would let no one beat me. We fought for dollars and for some it was something fun to see during recess but for me it was where I could get my release. This only lasted for so long until the teachers got wind of our little boxing league and shut it down.

All my life I have been an athlete, from a very young age my father was determined to make me the next great catcher of my generation. When our boxing league got shut down I threw myself totally into my athletic career. When I was home it was too hard and draining so I would just practice. At this point I was playing ice hockey as well which is a great release of negative energy. I switched from offense to defense and would put my body in play whenever I got a chance. Through the world of sports I realized that emotions did not always have to be suppressed but sometimes you can let them show through. Playing sports is where I learned a hell of a lot about life. Being on a team in a competitive environment and doing whatever it takes to win can and will show through in life after the sports are gone. It is not an easy thing to make me stop in my tracks because I feel like I have seen it all. Just when you start thinking that, something comes along and puts you in your place. Something stops you in your tacks and makes you think about everything in your life and how there is so much more out there.

I cannot recall one particular incident that really stopped me in my tracks but I will say that there are many things out there that make me see how much more there really is in life. Sports are something that I have always looked to in my life. To some it may seem silly to talk about sports and emotion, but to me they go hand in hand. Some may say it’s just a game and others may disagree. No matter what your passion is in athletics it is way more then just a game. Through sports you learn how to be a team player, how to communicate, and most of all it really does build character. So instead of commenting on one case that made my emotion flow I would just say spots in general but more so when I was in the spotlight with my team during my career. So now that I do not play anymore seriously competitive leagues I put my heart into the fun leagues I play in and the teams I love and try to live vicariously through like the New York Mets.

YouTube - Mets video 2006

success

Success is a hard thing to define in cut and dry terms. For me success has many components and is really a compilation of a lot of different things. To me I don’t know if you should measure success by someone’s status, money, or career choice. If you are truly happy in life then to me you are already on your way to success. To be happy in life is more than half the battle to success. If you are the kind of person that needs money to live the way that you want to then success for you would have something to do with career choice and status but ultimately that leads to happiness and comfort.

When we look at the media some people will view celebrities and TV stars as successful, but to me there success is just a front in most cases. Celebrities are successful in their own light but I do no think that the everyday person should use those who have chosen the route of fame as an example of success. Success also varies across the country and around the world. While someone is in New Jersey is successful because of their money, job, family, and happiness, across the world may be a town where success is measured by cattle or land. It differs from everyone you talk to as well.

There are levels of success all throughout our lives; we strive to meet goals since we learn to walk. A part of me wants to say that a type of success is setting goals that are both realistic and challenging and fulfilling those goals. Character is huge for me in determining a person’s success. If you have gone through life and experienced things good and bad and have a strong character, to me that says more than money or status. The person that I interviewed said something to me eight years ago when I made a comment about how nobody would know if someone just picked up a wallet and took the cash out then returned it or something along those lines. He looked me right in my eyes and said something that I will never forget and truly keep in the back of my mind as a guideline. “Character is doing the right thing when no one would ever know if you did the wrong thing”. When I hear the word success the first people I think of are my parents. They are both successful in their own ways. My mother and father both grew up with nothing, they worked their way through college and in my mothers case it wasn’t until she was 31 years old that she finally saved enough money to start going to college, she than graduated from Columbia and proceeded to travel around Europe by herself experiencing the world. My mom coming from a family like she did going to college and seeing Europe was its own kind of success.

My father who is the person I talked to about success is my ultimate role model. Everything he does he does with passion and intent to help someone. He is a partner at Hamilton Dental Associates and has helped the community for over 35 years. My father is successful in the practice and business but you cannot compare that success to the success of establishing a loving family and life outside of business. My father’s main objective is a strong family and exceptional values. He is always trying to help someone in any way that he can and in part I think being able to be selfless and help others is definitely part of my success plan.

So after all that can I really define success for me? I would say that my idea of an ideal successful life would be a whole bunch of characteristics tied together. For me family is what defines us in today’s world. If we can go out and deal with life and all its turbulence none of that really seems to matter if you have a strong, stable, and loving family in your corner at all times. So family would be my first characteristic in success and definitely the most important. For me money and title are important but without a strong foundation and family the money and the status would do me no good. I want to live my life freely. And in today’s world in order for you to live freely and gain experiences you need money. Money is in no way the most important thing to me but on the same note people who say money doesn’t matter are lying. Everyone would like to have money because with money comes comfort and experiences; also with money comes a lot of problems. Money and status would be a part of my success plan as well because I would like to be able to travel and see the world and also use that money to lead into another part of being successful which is being selfless and wanting to help others.

In closing I would like to say that success varies with the individual and I don’t think there is a cut and dry definition that everyone should live by. However, a strong character gives you a very good building block for success and if you can always improve your character you will be happy and successful. “Success is not external with the glam or the money, it is inside you and with success the money is a tool to further your success, without success money is just money.”

ME......

First I will introduce myself. My name is Jonathan Brian Whitman and who I am today is most differently a reflection of how I was raised and my parent’s morals and values. I would consider myself a strong minded person who has been through and seen a lot. My experiences have also helped mold me into the person I am today. I have been very fortunate and lucky to end up where I did with such a loving family. My brother, who is two years older than me, and I were both adopted from different families pretty much at birth. My mother was fifteen when she had me and there was no way she could have done an adequate job raising a child at that point in her life. The way it worked out could not have been better. I consider my family, my family there is no birth parents and adopted parents my parents that raised me are my only parents as far as I am concerned and they are the people who made me the man I am today.

So, about me, I am at rider studying communications as a junior. Rider is the third college that I have been to. I went to Hartwick College in Oneonta New York for two years and then came home and went to mercer for a semester and now I am here. While I was at Hartwick I joined a fraternity and made some good connections with people. The reason why I ended up back in New Jersey is that one of my best friends up there and a fraternity brother was working for Aromark the food company in Greece and got hit by a car and killed. Everywhere I looked after his death reminded me of him and the things he used to do so I had to leave.

I am a loving and helpful sun to the best parents a kid could ask for. I have an older brother who I am extremely close with. I live in Hamilton with my girlfriend who is an accountant in Princeton. I am always doing something and never really get a chance to stop and ask myself questions like this. When I am not at school I am working in a dentists office in the Wilber section of Trenton, it is a Medicaid office and in one of the worst parts of the city. I like to see things for myself and experience them first hand. I would consider myself a good son, brother, boyfriend, and friend to my very close nit inner circle.

When I first read this assignment I wasn’t sure how it would go only because it’s hard for me to talk about myself and describe everything. I would like to work hard for the next two years in school and work with a sports advertising firm if possible. I try to live my life by a very simple quote that someone very close to me once said. “Being honorable is doing the right thing even when no one will know if you did wrong” That is such a simple line that can really shape how you act in your life and for me, I always keep that floating around in the back of my head.